Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dad's friend & the question "how are you?"

I saw one of my dad's friends yesterday.  He kept asking how I was and I kept dodging the question.  Not because I didn't want him to know, but because it's so hard to talk about still.  And complicated. 
I'm very sad right now.  Hogan died on Friday (read about it here) and I'm still unemployed.  That's two sad things that I'll carry with me for a while.   As for my dad, well, most days I'm okay with it.
But then yesterday I saw Rick Jr and on the way home I just started crying. Not over anything specific, just everything hitting me at once.  I posted after my dad died about the custom of wearing mourning and yesterday I wished I could have had some on and had that shield against people being mean to me.  Not that anyone was mean to me.  I'm not explaining this very well.  I just felt very fragile emotionally.  Even if I wore mourning for 18 months after my dad's death, it would be over now. 
18 months, wow.  It's been a long time since I had a dad.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Hi. Just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel. I still have my grandfather, but, as every caretaker of someone with Alz, I watch him slip away a little bit every day. Someone said to me once that people who have loved ones with Alzheimer's might feel relief once the person finally dies because they have been in mourning for years, watching the person go. I had a feeling I will not feel relief when he's gone, but just more sadness. Reading your post makes me know I'm right.
No one understands. I wish I could wear mourning too. It hurts and no one understands.