Monday, July 26, 2010

buying a car without my dad....

My beloved car is dying, which makes me sad, so sad, beyond words.  It has served me faithfully for over 16 years, since it had 17 miles on the odometer.   The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of a new car....but how do I do that without my dad? 
I have never bought a car without his help.  In fact, except for my now-dying Pathfinder, every car I've owned I bought FROM my dad.   (He worked for the Chevy dealership of the same company and I got his discount so it almost counts.)   And now I have to do it without him.  It makes me sad, it makes me mad.
Okay, I get that he'd be 70 this year and retired and it's not like he should still be working there, waiting for me to come in.  But he should be ALIVE, damnit, and able to get into my dying Pathfinder and drive to the dealership of my choice and help me with this task.
But he's not alive and he's not here to help and I feel so lost.
I went up to Meriden Hyundai, which is the dealership he retired from, today to test-drive an Elantra Touring.  I needed to find out if it would bottom out on our driveway before I set my heart on it.   To walk in there and not see my dad through the window....  To see someone else at his desk....  To tell the saleman "I'm Bob's daughter" and see the look of incomprehension because my dad left before he started....  It was heartbreaking.  I was tearing up.  I was asking the guy all these questions...and he was nice enough, don't get me wrong...but I was thinking, "This should be my dad helping me."  And I just felt so sad, and so angry.
No matter what, I have to buy a car.  My Pathfinder's illness is terminal and I'll only be able to stretch out its dying for so long.  And no matter what, I have to buy a car without my dad.
It's been a long time since Alzheimer's made me this angry.  But today, I'm back to wanting to punch Alzheimer's Disease in the face, to beat in its head with a baseball bat.  It stole my father.  I have to buy a car alone.  What else have I been cheated of? 
(And yes, I liked driving the car, and yes it bottomed out.  I don't want to turn this into an ad, so enough of that.)
(image source)