dementia from the inside

I'm a fat person.  Usually that's not very relevant to this blog and thus doesn't get mentioned much.  I lost almost 100 lbs on my own but now I gained back a little so one of my doctors has sent me for "medically supervised weight loss" which basically means shakes and bars and hardly any "real" food--and no carbs.  I'm eating maybe 500 calories a day.
I don't do well on low carbs.  I get really sick.  I call it "carb dementia".  And of course, with no carbs and no calories in me, and exercising 5-6 thousand calories a week, I'm very sick.  And I've figured out why it's so very scary for me to be this sick.
I feel like, if I ever get Alzheimer's, this is what it will be like.  Except that I can't eat half a tortilla and feel better if I have dementia.  It will be like this all the time.  And when I have carb dementia, I know it. Just like my dad knew that something was wrong with him.
I know that:

• I am stupid  (my brain is hardly working)
• I am not comprehending everything I read 
• When I write, I don't always make sense 
• My spelling is horrendous (worse than usual) and I don't recognize it if I don't have a red line telling me
• Simple tasks like assembling an air conditioner, office chair, or IKEA furniture are nearly impossible
• My hands shake when I try to do precision tasks
• When I talk, I can't remember words or names (expressive aphasia, what my dad had)
• I can't remember the point of what I'm saying by the time I'm done saying it
• I'm perpetually exhausted and have to nap like an old person
• My moods are bad; I am mean-tempered and utterly lack patience 
• I am depressed; I cry a lot and sleep a lot and have no motivation to do anything
• I stumble over everything when I'm walking, even things no sane person would trip over like a piece of paper
• If I exert myself (such as shopping in a poorly air-conditioned store) I start to grey out and get tunnel vision (I work out in a pool so I don't overheat)

The thought of living like this the rest of my life is terrifying.  The doctors want me on this diet 18-20 months.  That's almost 2 years.  There is no way I can get a job or even look for one when I can't even rub two words together most days.  When I have to take a nap like an 80 year old after the slightest exertion.  When as part of this diet I have to eat their bars and shakes every 2 hours on a tight schedule.
For instance, it took me well over an hour to compose this blog post. It should have taken 20 minutes.  I have no idea if it makes sense.  There aren't a lot of red lines so everything is probably spelled correctly.
I have to wonder if it's worth it.  To give myself temporary diet-based dementia so I can live long enough to get real dementia. 
(image source)

181 obesity ups AD risk by 80%, and some personal stuff

Obviously this is something that concerns me greatly, as I am morbidly obese and had 2 relatives with Alzheimer's:
Obesity may boost dementia risk by up to 80%
Researchers at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health have found that being obese can increase the risk of Alzheimer's disease by as much as 80 per cent.
Their analysis of published obesity and dementia prospective follow-up studies over the past two decades shows a consistent relationship between the two diseases. ...Based on a pooled analysis of their findings from 7 of the studies, baseline obesity compared to normal weight increased the risk of Alzheimer's disease by 80 percent on average.
The team further concluded that being underweight also increases the risk of dementia and its subtypes. ...from "Obesity and central obesity as risk factors for incident dementia and its subtypes: a systematic review and meta-analysis" was written by M. A. Beydoun, H. A. Beydoun and Y. Wang. (PMID: 18331422) (article screenprint)

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80%!? 80%!! Just shoot me right now. My father was overweight until he was diagnosed, but he wasn't obese by any standards--he had a big beer belly kind of gut. He had thin arms and legs.
Supposedly just having a 1st degree relative with AD gives you a 50% chance. Increase that by 80% and I might as well invest in long term care insurance right now. Totally depressing.
I'm having a bad week, of sorts. Tuesday at 6:45 a.m. someone hit my parked car and took off, leaving it pushed 6 feet forward with almost $2,000 worth of damage. My husband saw the truck, but didn't get the plate. Yesterday we drove around in the area and guess what? Found a truck--two blocks away--of the right size, shape, color, and brand, and it had a big old hunk o' damage in the front. The police will be knocking on his door, as they've already inspected the truck and seen that the damage matches my car. Jerk.
My grandmother is being a brat. My mom invited one of my friends over to her house for Memorial Day hot dogs and hamburgers. My grandmother barely greeted her and sat all through the meal with the "puss" face on, not talking to anyone. She was angry because my mom went to the Peabody Museum to see the Mexican art exhibit there, and had lunch with me and my friend, leaving her alone. She is really back on the "you can't leave me alone" kick. My mom dealt with being a caretaker for 3 years with my dad. My grandmother doesn't need a caretaker. She doesn't want to LIVE alone, fine, but that doesn't mean my mom can never leave the house. My mom can't get a job. Hell, she can't even take a walk without my grandmother bitching. It's totally not working out, and of course my grandma's apartment and her furniture and car are all gone so there is no going back My grandmother wanted this arrangement and all she does is complain.

Monday was the 6-month anniversary of my dad's death. I did not realize it until Tuesday. I'm glad. Is that awful, to be glad I forgot to be sad on that day? I've been sad so much for him. I want to think of him in the Elsewhere Bar, hoisting up a glass, maybe with some veterans. I hate that I have to drive by the nursing home where he died every day on the way to work, but I guess that's one way to numb myself, right?
(I've got some spare time tonight, so I'm blogging like mad! Enjoy.)