Wednesday, November 07, 2007

151 fever & it's all about me rant

The nursing home called my mom at 2:30 last night to tell her my father's fever had spiked back up to over 104 and they HAD to bring him to the hospital (yes, the same one I told them yesterday not to bring him to!) for emergency hydration. They have no one on staff who can set an IV and couldn't find anyone to come in and put one in.
My guess is it's the MRSA. It's obviously not under control.
I was going to bring the dog up today to see him, but the dog is still sick. So my original plan was if the dog was sick, I'd go to the gym today and bring the dog tomorrow. But now I've got to go up there and find out what the hell is going on.
(now begins the rant)
Last night I went to a writing meeting for NaNo and did terrible. This is my worse year ever. I didn't even write a thousand words yesterday. I am feeling really discouraged about my life in general. I've got to stay strong, support my mother, support my grandmother. My husband works full time and goes to school so I have to be a good wifey-poo at home, and I suck at that, I'm not domestic, I don't clean or cook.
But who is supporting me? I think I've got a pretty sad life when the only people who understand me are strangers I've met online. I have one friend whose sister died of dementia in her 40's (from complications from "successful" brain tumor removal surgery when she was a child), and another whose grandmother is stage 7 with a MRSA infection, and other than that, people just don't seem to get it. And they don't want to talk about it endlessly with me, or really at all.
I'm feeling whiny and selfish and childish. My father is dying and yet I have to go home and wash the dishes and feed the cats and pay the bills while my husband plays World of Warcraft. I still have to do everything for myself as well as everything for everyone else. When does the help come, when do loving people start to support me and take care of me? Where are the offers of food so I don't have to cook (and make more dishes to wash) or go out to eat (and run up my credit cards)? There is an inverted pyramid of support going on and I am the bottom point. Eventually I am going to crack, or the weight of my responsibilities are going to drive me into the ground.
I haven't got much more left to give. I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. But I am selfish for asking, how dare I ask, because my MOTHER needs me, my FATHER needs me, I can't ask for help for myself when they need me. But if I go to the gym, if I go to a writing meeting, how could I do those things when my father is dying? Why am I not at his side?
I don't know, okay? I don't know anymore what to do, what to think, who to turn to. My friends have pretty much all taken off. They have their own lives and their own problems and they don't want to deal with mine. I have no brothers, no sisters, no cousins. I have a husband who has no time for me, and that's it. I have a low-paying job with no sick time and no compassionate leave. I can't take time off or I lose income, I can't rearrange my hours to make up lost time if I do leave early or take a day off.
I am drowning, I am choking, I am lost. My father is dying but if I leave work early to go to him, that's almost a hundred less dollars in my pocket. My mom's got no money left anymore to help me out because she's got to spend down to 1600 ridiculous dollars so my dad can go on Title 19 but she can't just GIVE the money away, she has to account for where it goes--she was going to buy me a new car (mine is 14 years old with 135K on it) and the lawyer said no, that wouldn't be allowed.
Everything is such a mess. There is no help for me anywhere. Kind words from strangers online, silence from so-called friends. It really is true that if you laugh the world laughs with you and if you cry you cry alone. If I dare to laugh, how could I be jolly in such a situation, when my life is a mess. Crying is understandable, but no one cares, no one wants to hear about my childish selfish problems. They say you are strong, you can do this. But my strength is gone and I can't do it anymore.


Anonymous said...

I am so, so sorry to hear about your situation. My father had dementia (and cancer and alcoholism) and died 15 years ago. I was his only family member, or at least the only one who would step up and DO something.
His girlfriend had one of her tenants call me and order me to move to Maine and care for him. I have a husband and a son who was three at the time. I couldn't do that. I couldn't bring him to live with me because he could not be left alone and I worked full-time. Plus, he was physically violent. He refused to see a doctor and he pulled a gun on the human services people I had visit him in an attempt to get him a nurse/housekeeper who would care for him in his home.
So, I notified the motor vehicle department and they revoked his driver's license. I then had a court-appointed panel assess him and declare him incompetent. I signed custody of him over to the state of Maine and I took control of his finances. My lawyer husband made sure his house and savings were protected. We found an excellent nursing home for him and he stayed there until he died eight months later.
It was a difficult decision to make. My father was not an easy person to deal with before he lost his mind. He was a violent alcoholic who drove everyone away from him. But still, he was my father and I was sorry to have him "put away." But I would have gone crazy if I tried to take care of everything on my own. Giving up custody was the right decision. I doubt if it would be right in your case, but it was right for me.
The best I can tell you is this will not last forever. You will survive it but you have to look out for yourself.
It doesn't matter if your house isn't spotless and if you don't feel like making dinner. don't. Your husband has World of Borecraft to help him escape/unwind. You need something you enjoy. It's not being selfish, it's a necessity if you're going to stay sane.
If you need help, ask for it. Sometimes people are uncomfortable when he friend, neighbor or co-worker has a terminally ill family member and they don't know what to offer, so they say nothing. There are probably support groups in your area where you can find the loving, understanding people you are yearning for.
I know we people here in cyberspace are next to useless. I can't make you a casserole or give you a hug, but be assured many people are thinking about you and praying for you and your family.
Please continue to post and vent all you want.
Remember, this will soon be over and your father will be released.

-Jill H.

e said...

I know this sounds cold, but I really hope this is it for your dad. He needs to move on. You need to get back to whatever a normal life is. I sure hope your mom can have a normal life again too.

We had a time last month where were were freaking out about what to do with mom while hubby and I were on vacation. Finally, something came through and we were able to go and much to my surprize, the break was what we needed.

Don't cancel or put off your trip. You need it.

Life totally sucks at times like these. I have moments where I just want to throw my hands up and cry, but I just can't. What a waste of tears for this crap that nothing can be done about.

Your husband is probably more freaked out than you (he is losing an in-law and a part of his wife and is probably concerned as to how this will change YOU forever) and this is how he deals with it.

You are not going to be able to do it all right now. Pick a couple of things that you CAN do, that you must do and try to let the rest GO. You need to put yourself first. Maybe a sick day is in order, if you can pull it off. If not, try to use that trip as a carrot... You can hang in there until then.

Wish I had something more inspirational to say, but that is it. I'm pulling for you, FWIW.