Monday, October 29, 2007

146 "I'm shocked"

My husband came with me yesterday to see my dad. He was strapped in the wheelchair, with his favorite aide giving him orange juice (so thickened it was more like a paste). His gaze wandered to my husband's a few times, but there was no recognition there, no spark. He looked at me only once, same thing.
The aide said once in a while he tries to talk but he can't. I talked to him and he had no response. I didn't even feel like he was ignoring me. It was like I wasn't even there. Once in a while he would grimace and I'd try to joke about him making the mean face. It was a form of the mean face, to be sure, but more like a tic or random expression than anything with any meaning.
In all these years (what, only 3? I thought it had been at least 10), I've never cried in front of my father over his condition. It's bad enough to be sick and know you aren't getting better; you don't need to see your loved ones grieving for you.
But yesterday I cried. I sat there and held his hand and knew he had no clue who I was, or that I was familiar, or that he even knew he was holding my hand. The aide told me they are doing occupational therapy with him, trying to get him to be able to hold up his head again.
Two months ago he was dressing himself, taking walks, feeding himself, using the bathroom. Now the goal is for him to hold up his head? What the fuck?! Why didn't he just die from the intra-cranial bleeds like that lying asshole doctor said he would?
We stayed about half an hour, then the aide had to feed him lunch and we were in the way. As we walked out, my husband said how shocked he was to see how badly my father had deteriorated in such a short time.
It's a combination of things. Being moved from home, back and forth from the hospital, two bad head injuries, continuing kidney failure. Now he's got another UTI, probably from having a catheter in for almost 2 months.
He's got zero quality of life. People who are against euthanasia should go visit my dad and then convince me he wants to live.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amen.

Mauigirl said...

I am so sorry for not visiting your blog for so long. I didn't realize how much things were deteriorating. I am so, so sorry. I know how it is. My father ended up in the same condition at the end. I share all the frustration you had with the aides not feeding him (my mother and I got my dad to eat for a long time before he refused altogether). Once he stops eating altogether it will be less than a week before he finally goes to his rest. My father did not have an IV or a feeding tube and he just drifted away.

My thoughts are with you - I'm not religious but if there is a God, I hope He is merciful and takes your dad soon...