Wednesday, June 23, 2004

3 unfairness, lawyer stuff, Jehovah's Witnesses

06-23-04 Mayatime: 8 Caban 0 Tzec

My mom’s freaking out. I can’t take this. I can’t have her losing her mind on top of my dad’s problems. She asked me if I was “okay” with what’s happening. I replied “I have to be” and she started yelling at me that it’s not fair. The same argument she used about her father dying of cancer at age 70. Yes, I’m unhappy that I lost my beloved grandpa when I was only 19. But my husband lost his father when he was 14 months old. That’s even more unfair. And when I want to scream and cry because my dad’s only 63, I remember that Bill was only 28. And a car crash is the most illogical death of all, a stupid fucking accident which rips a hole in your life you can never fill. THAT is unfair.

But it’s not fair for me to say that to my mom right now. I could yell at her and say that she got her dad until he was 70. My dad might LIVE to be 70, but at some point he will cease to be my dad.

So now we have to do lawyer things. Power of attorney. Crap I don’t want to deal with. I hate paperwork. Mom says that Dad’s depressed and wants to jump off a bridge. I can’t say I blame him. I probably would jump off a bridge. I love my mind, I love my intelligence. I can’t imagine having it taken--STOLEN (fucking beings from Orion). But at what point would the loss of mind be unacceptable? How long could I hold on? I can’t say. Do I want my father to die? Of course not. But I don’t want to see him as a mindless vegetable either. That’s a waste of resources.

My pagan feelings tell me at some point during the Alzheimer’s process, the spirit leaves the body. Why that should be so, why the contract should specify that the body remain behind in a state of pseudo-life, I don’t know. And yes, I intend to ask.

Some childhood memories: whenever my dad went to work, when I was very small, he’d always say “I’m going to make some dimes for you.” And we used to have a pole light with three bulbs, and he used to make shadow puppets and tell me stories about them; I mostly remember Jerry Giraffe.

I was just visited by my tame Jehovah’s Witnesses, Ron and Paula. They are very nice people. They know I am pagan. Funny you’d think that pagans and JW’s could never get along. But some of what they say isn’t that different from my beliefs. No, I’m not converting! It just shows how universal the concept of God is. And I wouldn’t give up my holidays. (450)

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